Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
