I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
