I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
