Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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