roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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