dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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