Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
