I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
