Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
