What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
