Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
