he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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