just come out here and I will go home with you...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
