Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
