I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
