Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
