someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
