Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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