I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
