Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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