Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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