If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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