Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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