Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
