I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
