The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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