i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
