Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
