Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
