She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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