I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
