i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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