Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
