He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
