I think I won the penis lottery.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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