Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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