this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
