I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
