You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
