I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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