I accidentally burped into my bong.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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