Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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