i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
