i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
