I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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