ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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