Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
