Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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