I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
