He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
