i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
